Reflect

I did change, and for the worse. So help me God as I am trying to mend my ways. I have neglected you and I intend to set my path straight again. May You give me strength to survive the storm. Amen.

Weakie Pants

Again being my wimpy and worthless self.

I just hate the feeling of losing control of my feelings. Does that even make sense? When your heart decided to detach itself from your better judgement and you're left feeling powerless. Holy crap this is so cheesy someone might be able to make a Quesadilla just by looking at it. (Bad jokes, classic Lindy) But whatever, I am a girl. I am allowed one or two sob story every now and then.

After the messy debacle I ended up talking about it  and yet I haven't had any  clear answer. Up until now. One thing I do know is that: I am slowly falling.

Platonish

Let me think of the perfect metaphor of my situation now. A cork floating in the ocean under the impact of a storm that will make John Rackham beg for his life. There. I think that's pretty accurate.

Everything went above my head so quickly I'm not even sure what is going on. I wonder myself if this true. My feelings are they real? Or are they just a manifestation of my fear?  I lost my grounds, my grips, I feel like my ordered life is turned topsy-turvy. It's too tangled, too sudden, too...unbelievable.

And how can I be sure when it comes to him? I know the feeling of being someone special and somehow I just...can't feel it. Am I his charity case? His yes is an act of pity, without him really meaning it? I sound so disgusting, doubting my best friend to this extent. I do trust him, I want to believe but how can you when there's so many holes in the story?

I wish I could take back my selfish answer. I'm so petrified of the idea of losing him, I ended up driving him away. I admit I fucked up. How can I make a person I care about went through all of this? I don't know how this thing will end, I just know that I must prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

I wish platonic is more than just a word.

"Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves." - Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

Everything I'm Not

Hi reader,

It's been a long time since my last post in this blog. I kind of got carried away with writing stuff in my new private blog just because it's much more easier not to be politically correct at all times :p

So believe it or not, it's my second year here in the UST. A lot of things have changed since I got here. Mostly on how I perceived the world. Apparently, people also notice that changes in me. Some of them are pleased, but the others, not so much. They say I'm more westernized and has lost touch with my eastern values. That may or may not be accurate depends on how you define 'westernized' and 'eastern values'

I have never been a judging person and have always been open-minded , but living in HK and UST brings a whole other definition of the word 'judge'. I am a rather conservative young lady brought up in a Muslim family which means that I have my stands on certain things. However, I am not as strict as a sheikh: I occasionally miss the shala, I didn't wear hijab and I do not always refer back to hadist and Koran to make every decision that I made in life. After living here for more than a year now, I might lose some of the 'conservative' in me and become more felxible but make no mistake, I still have my stands. Some people may laugh and scoff at this statement, considering how I live my life in Hong Kong. But take a  closer look shall we? UST has a very diverse student from different cultural background. Most of the people I know and I do care to know drink, party, practice free sex, do drugs and et cetera. Granted, I can look for friends that doesn't do this kind of stuff but I can't completely isolate myself from these people as well cause I might end up needing to work with them in the future. And again maintaining a good relationship never hurts.

Fitting in is where it gets tricky. If I were to stick rock solid to my values and shot them down every time they open their mouth about the 'stuff', it most definitely won't make me one of their favorite person in the whole wide world. And if I were to strip myself off of my values and go with the flow then I am no different than a whore, worse in fact, because I am willing to trade everything I am for mere acceptance. At least a whore got some money out of it. The key is in accepting them for who they are while staying true to yourself. There's a saying in Islam called: Lakum dinukum wal ya din.Your religion is yours, and my religion is mine. There's no need to impose what you believe on others as long as you hold what you believe to yourself. I try to accept and tolerate what they do (to some extent of course) even if it is against what I believe, as long as it doesn't do me any damage. Do you think its easy? I may not look like it and I talk big about not being homophobic but sometimes I still squeal if I see two man kissing. I mean it's etched in your heart for so long that gay is wrong, to accept otherwise is not as easy as flipping your hand. Again, I know I might talk big about everything but just stop and observe. How many times have you actually see me drink? How many times have you actually seen me go clubbing? How many times have you see me got stoned? Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear people say that I am not a good Muslim for being such an open-minded person. Well, I might not be the best around but I sure do try. If I do something considered wrong, there has to be a reason for it. Like not wearing hijab. Most people will just assume that it is because I want to parade my body for the whole world to see. The truth is I am afraid of wearing hijab. By wearing hijab, people will know you're a Muslim and  everything you do is pictured as what a Muslim is to the world. I f can't even mind my own manners and words who am I to try to represent Islam to the world?

Another thing they said that changes about me is how I care so much about appearance these days. And yes that is true. I mean caring about your appearance is not a bad thing. Sadly some people considered me shallow for doing it. Well, I can't help myself but feeling hurt. Back in Indonesia, I was not a big fan of dolling up for the world because I believe beauty is by the heart. Luckily, a lot of people seem to agree. When I moved to Hong Kong I was a chubby girl, with mediocre haircut sporting jeans and T-shirt with minimal to none makeup. I feel fine about myself. Confident girl as ever. But that feeling would shatter soon. Being in Hong Kong with all the glitz and glam I expected people to judge others based on their appearance. They met my expectations and went way beyond. I don't know if this is another factor but the fact that I come here during college where it is considered a time to meet your significant others, made it feel so much worse. I feel like I am invisible. I can't even described how bad people treated me without being too obvious as to who are the people I'm describing. Anyway, it was a nightmare. And in the most crucial time when I need help settling down, getting around, no one seems to care. Except some friends who I held most dear and a really supportive friend on the other side of the world. How do I know it's because of how I look? Let's just say when they talk behind my back, they literally talk behind my back, so that I can hear every single one of their mean comments about me.

This experience scarred me and fueled my desire to change my appearance. It started out not for myself, but really just to find a way to bitchslap those people. And that's the story behind my miraculous 44-pound weight loss and major makeover and transformation. Going back to the shallow thing, I am perfectly happy with who I am before. That's saying something. If only men (and also some women) are not that shallow, I might not have to go through all the excruciating pain, of not just physically but mentally. Some of you who say that you don't care about appearance is sweet but still a lie. It might not be what makes you fall in love with her, but it is definitely what makes up 90% of your decision whether you'll go for her or not. If you were to choose between a 180-pound girl with a heart of gold and a VS model who spits on homeless children, I am sure 50% of you will choose the latter. 50% of you would lie and choose the first answer. Okay, I'm getting a little bit judgmental but to be fair I'm just telling the truth. Even one of my dear friend who I consider a good man, puts cute on the top of his list of finding a girl. And half of the list is about physical trait. Again, I am not judging him. Men were made to appreciate beauty, I get it, just don't let it blind you because you will be missing out on a lot of things.

Still on the note of caring about appearance, I think it's fair to say that I only care about mine. I couldn't care less how other people look. It may sound harsh and egocentric but it's true. I am so sorry if I didn't notice your new haircut or if you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday or if you look fat in those pants (unless I really stop and observe, or if it is something completely obvious that you can't get your eyes off of it), I just can't be bothered to care. Of course I still appreciate beauty, but I don't base my opinion on a person from their appearance. I think appearance should come ninth, tenth. Beauty fades within time, you're stuck with their personalities. I would rather have a Shrek who loves me and share my interest in Jane Eyre rather than a Ken who spent more time on the gym than with me.

So it all boils down to judging. I'm trying my best not to judge other people because like I have said in my previous post, most of the time what you see is not the whole story. Even if you have to judge people, wait until you have a clear picture of what is going on and  just keep it to yourself. And keep your judgement flexible, because as time pass by, you might learn new things about that particular person that would change your judgement about them. Don't let your judgement define what that person is to you. Life would be a better place, trust me :)

“How often it is that we set ourselves in the high seat, judging others, not having read their book but merely having glimpsed the cover.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

Rebound, Bad Decisions and Something Else

Oh Lindy. Oh Lindy Lindy Lindy. Were you destined to be screwed?

After a really bad God-knows-what-is-that, do you have to have a rebound? And a bad one at that.

Not to mention trying to be all clingy and stuff. Really? I mean REALLY?

The Six Degrees of Separation

As you know, The Script is one of my drug dealer when it comes to 'galau' songs. They really deliver this time as well.

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part 

And the third, is when your world splits down the middle 

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 

Fifth, you see them out with someone else 

And the sixth, is when you admit you may have fucked up a little

Sums up everything so terrifyingly accurate. Have been hitting replay like a snooze button on a Sunday morning.

I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter what we wanted. What matters is what we chose to do with the things we had.― Mira Grant, Deadline

God Knows We're Worth It (?)

So yeah it finally happened. The inevitable. I know I've been playing with fire from day one. Apparently knowing that you're going to get burnt one day doesn't help with the pain. I'm not even sure what exactly happened. Everything went like *snaps* and then all that I know is gone and I'm left with a gaping wound. Thanks for everything though. You were there when no one else would. No matter how much I wanted to hate you I just couldn't. We made the right decision.

It's been a while now and I think you're doing fine. I guess hearts don't break even after all.

“Well, you can't have heartbreak without love," Dan pointed out. "If your heart was really broken, then at least you know you really loved him.” ― Leila Sales, Past Perfect