Reflect

I did change, and for the worse. So help me God as I am trying to mend my ways. I have neglected you and I intend to set my path straight again. May You give me strength to survive the storm. Amen.

Weakie Pants

Again being my wimpy and worthless self.

I just hate the feeling of losing control of my feelings. Does that even make sense? When your heart decided to detach itself from your better judgement and you're left feeling powerless. Holy crap this is so cheesy someone might be able to make a Quesadilla just by looking at it. (Bad jokes, classic Lindy) But whatever, I am a girl. I am allowed one or two sob story every now and then.

After the messy debacle I ended up talking about it  and yet I haven't had any  clear answer. Up until now. One thing I do know is that: I am slowly falling.

Platonish

Let me think of the perfect metaphor of my situation now. A cork floating in the ocean under the impact of a storm that will make John Rackham beg for his life. There. I think that's pretty accurate.

Everything went above my head so quickly I'm not even sure what is going on. I wonder myself if this true. My feelings are they real? Or are they just a manifestation of my fear?  I lost my grounds, my grips, I feel like my ordered life is turned topsy-turvy. It's too tangled, too sudden, too...unbelievable.

And how can I be sure when it comes to him? I know the feeling of being someone special and somehow I just...can't feel it. Am I his charity case? His yes is an act of pity, without him really meaning it? I sound so disgusting, doubting my best friend to this extent. I do trust him, I want to believe but how can you when there's so many holes in the story?

I wish I could take back my selfish answer. I'm so petrified of the idea of losing him, I ended up driving him away. I admit I fucked up. How can I make a person I care about went through all of this? I don't know how this thing will end, I just know that I must prepare myself for the worst possible outcome.

I wish platonic is more than just a word.

"Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves." - Stephen Kendrick, The Love Dare

Everything I'm Not

Hi reader,

It's been a long time since my last post in this blog. I kind of got carried away with writing stuff in my new private blog just because it's much more easier not to be politically correct at all times :p

So believe it or not, it's my second year here in the UST. A lot of things have changed since I got here. Mostly on how I perceived the world. Apparently, people also notice that changes in me. Some of them are pleased, but the others, not so much. They say I'm more westernized and has lost touch with my eastern values. That may or may not be accurate depends on how you define 'westernized' and 'eastern values'

I have never been a judging person and have always been open-minded , but living in HK and UST brings a whole other definition of the word 'judge'. I am a rather conservative young lady brought up in a Muslim family which means that I have my stands on certain things. However, I am not as strict as a sheikh: I occasionally miss the shala, I didn't wear hijab and I do not always refer back to hadist and Koran to make every decision that I made in life. After living here for more than a year now, I might lose some of the 'conservative' in me and become more felxible but make no mistake, I still have my stands. Some people may laugh and scoff at this statement, considering how I live my life in Hong Kong. But take a  closer look shall we? UST has a very diverse student from different cultural background. Most of the people I know and I do care to know drink, party, practice free sex, do drugs and et cetera. Granted, I can look for friends that doesn't do this kind of stuff but I can't completely isolate myself from these people as well cause I might end up needing to work with them in the future. And again maintaining a good relationship never hurts.

Fitting in is where it gets tricky. If I were to stick rock solid to my values and shot them down every time they open their mouth about the 'stuff', it most definitely won't make me one of their favorite person in the whole wide world. And if I were to strip myself off of my values and go with the flow then I am no different than a whore, worse in fact, because I am willing to trade everything I am for mere acceptance. At least a whore got some money out of it. The key is in accepting them for who they are while staying true to yourself. There's a saying in Islam called: Lakum dinukum wal ya din.Your religion is yours, and my religion is mine. There's no need to impose what you believe on others as long as you hold what you believe to yourself. I try to accept and tolerate what they do (to some extent of course) even if it is against what I believe, as long as it doesn't do me any damage. Do you think its easy? I may not look like it and I talk big about not being homophobic but sometimes I still squeal if I see two man kissing. I mean it's etched in your heart for so long that gay is wrong, to accept otherwise is not as easy as flipping your hand. Again, I know I might talk big about everything but just stop and observe. How many times have you actually see me drink? How many times have you actually seen me go clubbing? How many times have you see me got stoned? Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear people say that I am not a good Muslim for being such an open-minded person. Well, I might not be the best around but I sure do try. If I do something considered wrong, there has to be a reason for it. Like not wearing hijab. Most people will just assume that it is because I want to parade my body for the whole world to see. The truth is I am afraid of wearing hijab. By wearing hijab, people will know you're a Muslim and  everything you do is pictured as what a Muslim is to the world. I f can't even mind my own manners and words who am I to try to represent Islam to the world?

Another thing they said that changes about me is how I care so much about appearance these days. And yes that is true. I mean caring about your appearance is not a bad thing. Sadly some people considered me shallow for doing it. Well, I can't help myself but feeling hurt. Back in Indonesia, I was not a big fan of dolling up for the world because I believe beauty is by the heart. Luckily, a lot of people seem to agree. When I moved to Hong Kong I was a chubby girl, with mediocre haircut sporting jeans and T-shirt with minimal to none makeup. I feel fine about myself. Confident girl as ever. But that feeling would shatter soon. Being in Hong Kong with all the glitz and glam I expected people to judge others based on their appearance. They met my expectations and went way beyond. I don't know if this is another factor but the fact that I come here during college where it is considered a time to meet your significant others, made it feel so much worse. I feel like I am invisible. I can't even described how bad people treated me without being too obvious as to who are the people I'm describing. Anyway, it was a nightmare. And in the most crucial time when I need help settling down, getting around, no one seems to care. Except some friends who I held most dear and a really supportive friend on the other side of the world. How do I know it's because of how I look? Let's just say when they talk behind my back, they literally talk behind my back, so that I can hear every single one of their mean comments about me.

This experience scarred me and fueled my desire to change my appearance. It started out not for myself, but really just to find a way to bitchslap those people. And that's the story behind my miraculous 44-pound weight loss and major makeover and transformation. Going back to the shallow thing, I am perfectly happy with who I am before. That's saying something. If only men (and also some women) are not that shallow, I might not have to go through all the excruciating pain, of not just physically but mentally. Some of you who say that you don't care about appearance is sweet but still a lie. It might not be what makes you fall in love with her, but it is definitely what makes up 90% of your decision whether you'll go for her or not. If you were to choose between a 180-pound girl with a heart of gold and a VS model who spits on homeless children, I am sure 50% of you will choose the latter. 50% of you would lie and choose the first answer. Okay, I'm getting a little bit judgmental but to be fair I'm just telling the truth. Even one of my dear friend who I consider a good man, puts cute on the top of his list of finding a girl. And half of the list is about physical trait. Again, I am not judging him. Men were made to appreciate beauty, I get it, just don't let it blind you because you will be missing out on a lot of things.

Still on the note of caring about appearance, I think it's fair to say that I only care about mine. I couldn't care less how other people look. It may sound harsh and egocentric but it's true. I am so sorry if I didn't notice your new haircut or if you're wearing the same clothes as yesterday or if you look fat in those pants (unless I really stop and observe, or if it is something completely obvious that you can't get your eyes off of it), I just can't be bothered to care. Of course I still appreciate beauty, but I don't base my opinion on a person from their appearance. I think appearance should come ninth, tenth. Beauty fades within time, you're stuck with their personalities. I would rather have a Shrek who loves me and share my interest in Jane Eyre rather than a Ken who spent more time on the gym than with me.

So it all boils down to judging. I'm trying my best not to judge other people because like I have said in my previous post, most of the time what you see is not the whole story. Even if you have to judge people, wait until you have a clear picture of what is going on and  just keep it to yourself. And keep your judgement flexible, because as time pass by, you might learn new things about that particular person that would change your judgement about them. Don't let your judgement define what that person is to you. Life would be a better place, trust me :)

“How often it is that we set ourselves in the high seat, judging others, not having read their book but merely having glimpsed the cover.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

Rebound, Bad Decisions and Something Else

Oh Lindy. Oh Lindy Lindy Lindy. Were you destined to be screwed?

After a really bad God-knows-what-is-that, do you have to have a rebound? And a bad one at that.

Not to mention trying to be all clingy and stuff. Really? I mean REALLY?

The Six Degrees of Separation

As you know, The Script is one of my drug dealer when it comes to 'galau' songs. They really deliver this time as well.

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part 

And the third, is when your world splits down the middle 

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 

Fifth, you see them out with someone else 

And the sixth, is when you admit you may have fucked up a little

Sums up everything so terrifyingly accurate. Have been hitting replay like a snooze button on a Sunday morning.

I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter what we wanted. What matters is what we chose to do with the things we had.― Mira Grant, Deadline

God Knows We're Worth It (?)

So yeah it finally happened. The inevitable. I know I've been playing with fire from day one. Apparently knowing that you're going to get burnt one day doesn't help with the pain. I'm not even sure what exactly happened. Everything went like *snaps* and then all that I know is gone and I'm left with a gaping wound. Thanks for everything though. You were there when no one else would. No matter how much I wanted to hate you I just couldn't. We made the right decision.

It's been a while now and I think you're doing fine. I guess hearts don't break even after all.

“Well, you can't have heartbreak without love," Dan pointed out. "If your heart was really broken, then at least you know you really loved him.” ― Leila Sales, Past Perfect

OMG It's Been More Than A Year!!

Hi blogger,

So sorry. You won't believe how hectic things get after the last post. I don't even have time to sleep, let alone write a whole post. Anyway, the year 2012 went great!! Just like @bungdeo said, it's going to be our year :) Soo, here's a short recap on what you've missed and believe me when I say you miss A LOT!

1. I passed second leg of Pelatnas with the top rank and become the four students to represent Indonesia in International Biology Olympiad

2. I won silver medal in IBO!!!!!!! From 61 to 27 indeed :)

3. I don't know how, but I ended up going to Hong Kong University of Science and Technology with a full-ride scholarship.

4. I lose 10 kgs!! Blame it on the stress haha

5. I dyed my hair brown :P

6. I have a new obsession: make-up. Gosh, I am addicted to that stuff. I don't even dare to count how much I've spent on make-up this last three months alone. Gonna do a post on it soon...I hope...

7. iPhone 5 yo!

8. iPhone 5 sucks yo!

9. I made a new private blog, mostly just for rants and galau stuffs so that I don't have to do a love-hate relationship with that kind of posts here hahaha.

10. iGEM member!!

11. I am the female lead international singer of the school of science music band: Particles!!

12. Down graded from lacto-ovo-vegan to pescaterian :'(

13. Went through a MAAJOOR separation, still kind of suffering from that

14. Turned 18, the legal age in HK ;) Let's get this party started, rigghtttt??

15. Surprising my mom and siblings by coming home from HK unannounced!!!

Those are the things that's on the tip of my tongue, can't think of anything else.. There are lots of small moments but these are the major events. I would love to post more but let's just see where the current brings. Ciao, bella!!

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ― Friedrich Nietzsche

חדשות טובות

Hi everyone. Whoa new blogger interface. Kind of confusing for a short while there. So what do you think of it? I personally prefer the old simple one. But maybe that's just the first impression talking. I haven't explored the features much so any judgement by me now will be considered moot.

Well, I am here to share good news (it's a plural in this case)

Good news #1: I made it to the second leg of Pelatnas! It's kind of an old news but I haven't had the time to post it so here goes. I am super duper excited to spend another four weeks at Wisma Kartini, basking myself with biology and think of nothing else. Plus I will be reunited with my good friends slash competitors. It is sad though that Meva couldn't make it and Nobi resigned. But they promised to visit us in Bandung every weekend when we're not having a mid-test or other thing.

Good news #2: The fact that something is something in something something and something is something to something for something has actually something something very something!
Isn't it something :")

Good news #3: Brace yourself because this. is. BIG. I have found the perfect vegetarian restaurant!!! Thank God after 8 months of suffering in finding products for vegetarian such as faux beef, faux chicken etc, I finally met Loving Hut :") Indonesia is not really a vegan supporting country, so deciding to be a vegan here is like being a Moslem in a pork-eating country. I am sooooo tired of having to scour my food for any traces of minced beef or fish. Have difficulties to order food in most of the restaurant here. I can not enjoy delicious food anymore. Now, in a post-finding-Loving-Hut era, I can eat bakso, fried 'chicken', 'sushi' with no worries. They provide both cooked and uncooked vegan materials. My current favorite is the Curry Fired Rice. Boy, does that gluten taste like an actual Rendang :9 But I planned to try all the food on the menu, so my favorite might change. Once I did that, I'll upload a post that specifically describe Loving Hut. Keep tuning in.

Okay, I guess that's about it. Oh, are you wondering about the title? Just google translate it, you'll see.

Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too far, you also miss the sense of where you are going and why. -Eddie Cantor

Reunion

It was a sunny morning above the Medical Faculty of Indonesia University. She was mingling with her friends, preparing herself for the competition. Never occurred to her that that day, something out of ordinary is bound to happen. A group of students walked across the field. Someone waved. Hey, that girl thought, that's my senior. She waved back and joined her. They did some small talk. Her senior said that another senior of her also joined the competition and he's walking behind them. She looked behind and waved her hand to her senior. But someone else was waving behind her senior. A familiar face perhaps? As the figure came closer, she realized that he is more than just a familiar face. Yes, it is him. She threw an awkward smile and turned her back on him with great shock mainly and a cocktail of other feelings. All of them then entered the exam room.

During the recess time, they met again. She was walking with her senior who came from the same school as he does when he joined her. He asked her about the exam. He told her that he thought exam was hard. She didn't know what to say or even to use what kind of expression around him. How can he be so calm after all that has happened? Most part of her were relieved that he is such a kind guy to let it all pass and treated her like nothing happened. But it's just like looking at a scar, you're glad that it's healing but it also remind you of how you got the wound at the first time.

Throughout the competition, they didn't talk much. She passed to the semifinals while he didn't. She never met him again afterwards. What a serendipity :)

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving - Albert Einstein

Road to IBO 2012!

Hey everyone, yes I know I have been malfunctioning my blog for those sad posts but technically, they are serendipities, and as this blog is called A Log of Serendipity I know of no reason why those events shouldn't be posted. But I'll get to the fun part of the post just keep reading :)

Now as a strike breaker post, I'm gonna tell you about my most recent activity, what I've been doing for the last four weeks. One word, eight letters: Pelatnas.

Pelatnas is an abbreviation of pelatihan nasional. It's like a science camp, held specifically to train students who are qualified for a special occasion called the International Biology Olympiad. Shiver me timbers, I want it, like so much so bad. This is also basically a competition to fill the glorious two seat to Singapore as an IBO participant. The activity is being held in Wisma Kartini Bandung with TOBI Team under the house of Bandung Institute of Technology. I basically come here to learn, do some tests, go home and wait for the result. But there's much more to it than it seems. It's making new friends and new experiences. I am thrilled to be united with these 25 other student who is as gifted as ever. I had so much fun while I was there. We studied, practiced. We took exams, we trolled, we celebrated birthdays, watched some movies, threw some water ammo to the assistants, swam (or I'd rather say laid down) in a hot spring and much much more! I'll go with the details in the next paragraph.

Week 1:

Ta-Da! Finally, it's 23rd of October. I have had enough purgatory in school for two weeks ever since I'm back from OSN. Especially every Friday. That day I arrived late to Wisma Kartini. I got lodged in room 3 with Meva, Sifa, Tazky, Tia and Kezia. I met and greeted some old friends.Then out of the blue, they said there will be a pre-test done that very night. Also a new assignment come from Kak Fenryco. So, I did what every man could do, do the best and God will do the rest. Luckily, when the result came out, I didn't screw up too bad. Oh and what's different from the previous pelatnas, instead of in Wisma Kartini, we had to get our lecture in a small, hot, crowded room on the 6th floor of PAU ITB. The week went normally. On the weekend, me, Meva, Sifa, Billy, Nobi and Gun went to Ciwalk and watch Johnny English Reborn.

Week 2:

This is week is just like any regular week. Except, we got to celebrate Assifa Nur Hisana's sweet 17th! The theme of her birthday is sticky ;) So what we did, is tied her up in a pole and then charged her with eggs, flour, soft drinks, etc. And then after all those mess, Gerry brought a cake for Sifa and then we all sang Happy Birthday! So memorable! This week we also got a test from a psychological firm to measure our academic potential and our mental stability I guess? And also a mid test which was difficult as hell. After the test, my mom visited me and we went to Paris van Java to get something to eat. And then I stopped by RE Martadinata to buy a klappertaart which I ate together with my roomies who were gloomy because of the freaking mid-test.

Week 3:

This is week we had a practical exam part 1. It was quite okay I guess, though I haven't got the result just yet. This week we also celebrated another birthday, Nobian Andre's Sweet 18th. His theme was Stinky! Yep. This time we really bring it. All those stuff from garlic, terasi, fish, palm oil, bananas, eggs, flour, we got it all. Except during the torture, ther's a little mishap. The rope used to tie him in the pole got loosened up so he managed to escape. The second everyone saw the rope dropped, they all run like an arrow released from its bow. We managed to tied him up again and the torture continues.This time Meva brought the cake and we all sang Happy Birthday. All the other boys got dumped in the pond as an 'imbas' hahaha. The next day is outing to Rancaupas. It's raining when we got there so we ended up playing water fight with the assistant and then played in the hot spring.

Week 4:

Ah the last and final week :") I started this week with fear cause I have 2 exams waiting for me at the end of the week. 2 super important test which will decide my fate onward in this competition. Well, in the practical test, it's sure is worse than the first practical test, but I don't know, once again, the real result just yet. The final test, like always, I prefer the part B of the test than its Part A. I feel quite confident with my answers but then again, sometimes when I feel that way, I end up pretty disappointed. After the final test, we celebrated kak Gun's Birthday! And then almost the whole member went to Ciwalk to watch a movie. Meva, Sifa, Tazky, me and some other guys watched In Time while the rest of them watched Breaking Dawn. We said goodbye the next day, took some photos and then the next thing I knew I was sitting in my car, already on my way to Jakarta.

It was a lovely experience guys and girls. Thanks for everything. I hope we'll see each other again at the 2nd Pelatnas Meva, Sifa, Tazky, Tia, Kezia, Tiwi, Rea, Elza, Lidia, Gomel, Nobi, Billy, Gunawan, Alvin, Eni, Ibrahim, Javier, Rabid, Keju, Gerry, Alfredo, Theo, Reza, Benny, Danu!

When you know what you want and you want it badly enough, you will find a way to get it - Jim Rohn

Enlightment

Thank God, I finally understand. All this tangled problems. I maybe the most grateful person in the universe at the moment. I now realize that friend is forever. May I shall never forget this again. Amen O:)

So So True

A Token of Gratitude

With this post I just wanted to say that I love every single person I've met in my life so much and I am eternally grateful to all of you for taking a part in my life. I will never trade my life with anyone's ;)

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same - Elbert Hubbard